The Picture Book of Melbourne

"The Little Golden Lion Book of Melbourne"

This story is about Goldilocks & the one lone suited bear found along Chapel St while op shopping on a Saturday morning.

Mr Bear was quickly abandoned as it became obvious that he wasn't going to budge from his location (on the wall) to join in any adventures. Next, Goldilocks went in search of kitty treats at Camberwell markets.

Many hidden treasures were discovered including "The Clock" -

(Buy 10 boxes of Viagra, get a Viagra clock for free! Or more realistically, a doctor probably received this as a promotionally freebie and in good judgement, decided that it wasn't suitable to hang on his clinic wall. Note: to the thief who stole my promotional Prozac pen back in 2000, I hope you're finding it hard to sleep at night....)

New technology was found....

The telephone!! Use it to reserve your cassettes at your local library now! To the Americans - perhaps I should clarify things a bit more: Australia received this technology about a year and a half ago so it's not THAT new to us. It is however, new to New Zealand, which is even further away from the rest of the world. Heh :p It's all according to the Flight of the Conchords....

And.... Innocent eyes were scarred along the way :/

To the 1950's pornographic tagline writer: "One Power Ball, and I'm out of here"...

After a minor scuffle involving an altercation between Goldilocks and a bric-a-brac stall owner - "EXCUSE ME!! If you're going to try and gorge your eyes out with that spoon, you will have to buy it!!" - the disenchanted Goldilocks decided to drown her sorrows at Liar Liar (90 Kinkora Rd, Hawthorn) which lured the promise of one of the best coffees in the Big Smoke.

What happens next as lost in a heart palpitating, bug-eyed blur - just like the photo...

With a dry mouth and head pounding, Goldilocks woke up the next morning dazed and confused from her post-caffeine haze to find herself a strange alleyway.

(Above: Where am I...? Alleyway off Flinders St)

There were walls full of strange stickers, and...

....walls filled with strange pictures.

Some of the paintings seemed to mock Goldilock's caffeine hangover so she made her escape out of the alleyway into the brighter lit streets of the city in search for food.

Incidentally, the best food in Melbourne are to be found in alleyways, so Goldilocks found herself weaving in between the dumpsters about five minutes later.....

Long lost friends were found over Bimbo's gourmet pizza on Brunswick street,

...many coffees were drunk

....and many alcohol beverages were consumed. (Note: You can take the girl out of London, but you can't take London out of the girl. There was one really drunk lady at double happiness who plonked herself our sofa. I immediately thought that she was going to ask us for money and was going to do my usual:
a) pretend I couldn't speak English
b) and/or pretend that I was deaf.

Turns out all she wanted to ask was whether we were in a dancing mood and what sort of music would get us up for a boogie. Oops.)

(Above: Pretty P & me @ Double Happiness)

Goldilocks found herself (not laughing) at a (not very funny) Arj Barker gig one night,

...and found herself clinging to a wall (like a bug!) on another.

(Above: C takes a very un-flattering photo of my arse)

Goldilocks learnt the fine art of picking up in Melbourne;

(Above: "Hey baby, can I buy you a drink with my ultra cool 'Perth Western Australia' wallet...?")

....and lessons were learnt about choosing accommodation.

(Note: Looks okay from the outside, but OMG talk about LACK OF SOUND PROOFING. Goldilocks learnt waaaay too much information about C's neighbours living on top and would like to announce to the whole wide world that Eddie is not steady, but a Fast Eddie. It was all over by the time Goldilocks yelled to miss C, "Quick, where's your broom?")

Goldilocks 1. Girl living on the top floor 0.

And before Goldilocks knew it, it was almost time to say goodbye and fly home, but not before..... GAME ON!!!!

POSTSCRIPT

F. challenged me to a game of Pong, and as it never happened, I'd like to retire as the undisputed champion. PS: Miss C, you still have all the kick as moves in Street Fighter, you nerd! :p

THE END