The Rural Irish Dating Scene

HEE HEE HEE HEE............................

WANTED special woman to cut grass COOK dig worms clean fish MUST HAVE good boat and motor please enclose details and photo if possible of mowed lawn mower boat and motor wanted by single goodlooking tall angler who is tired of talking to the fish and now looking for a beautiful MERMAID to start playing house with all emails answered

OMG................ I CANNOT STOP LAUGHING!!! SOMEBODY GIVE ME OXYGEN AS I'M ROLLING UNCONTROLLABLY ON THE FLOOR IN HYSTERICS AND I CAN'T BREATHE. THIS IS CHASER MATERIAL...... HEE HEE HEE HEE............

Croatia: The Land of the Island Hopping, Sunshine & Blue

The Day Before
On the early 6am Easy Jet Flight:

The golden rule with any budget airline: never assume your flight will depart on time. Boarding commences all in good time, but it's all too good to be true. We're delayed for over an hour as one of the passengers (let's call him Brainless Bogan,) realises that he's lost his passport and runs back into the Gatwick terminal on a mad savanger hunt. Never realised that a plane would wait for you in such a circumstance. The only person who claps when he returns with the passport is his friend. Lessons are obviously not learnt, as I later spot the culprit with his Aussie passport hanging half way out of his back pocket at immigration in Split. Meanwhile, Roommate J realises another harsh reality in the long and convoluted process of losing his passport on a drunken night out. Scotland Yard has labelled him a loser.

Harsh.

SPLIT

It's sweltering (read: low 30's) and we love it. It's time to change into shorts, singlets & Havaianas - all of which haven't been worn in combination for over a year. It's a day of repeats from my last visit in June 2008. I make a wish and rub the big toe of Grgur Ninski statue, have lunch at Fife, and eat ice-cream along the promenade. Make that two ice-creams.

(Above: The Statue of Grgur Ninski)

(Below: Roommate J strikes a pose while waiting for Birthday J to buy some sunnies.)

Everywhere we turn, there's Aussie accents all around.

"There's way too many Australians," complains Roommate J. "It's disgusting."

I point out that he too, is Australian, but he just shakes his head.

Day One
Onboard & Onwards to the party island of Hvar!

It doesn't take long to realise that we have the best ship of the fleet. Our boat's double the size of the rest and comes with our own private bathrooms and most importantly, air conditioning. Roommate J & I actually have one of the twin bed rooms, but as usual, there is always somebody who has an issue with sharing, so we end up in a double bed again.
(Me: "If you even as accidentally touch me in your sleep, I'm going to punch you in the eye.")

Docking in Hvar's not until 6pm. In the meantime, it's time for some fun in the sun. Asian crew boys are slightly nervous about going topless.
"Come on," I say. "It's not as if everybody's going to have a six pack."
The boys look at me as though I'm crazy. "Everybody. Is. Aussie." they say. "Of course the guys are all going to be ripped."

HVAR

Hvar is the "It" island of Croatia where beautiful people and million dollar boats are aplenty.









The most extravagant boat seen is black and shiny, complete with nightclub strobe lights.

Totally cool in the 80's and totally tacky in the 21st Century. A clear sign that money can't buy taste. First up on the agenda is seafood for dinner (big in the Croatian cuisine,) -

- followed by the hunt for the coolest night spot - Carpe Diem. We bump into some French guys who tell us that they know where it is and are happy to lead the way. I follow Wingman K with the rest behind me, and before I know it, we've lost everybody. I call out to Wingman K to wait, but he doesn't hear me. I have one of two choices, stop and wait for everybody else (and likely not find anybody - yes, I fail at "Where's Wally",) or keep on going. I choose the latter. Frenchies, Wingman K & I get in no problems. The rest who dwadle, don't.

Carpe Diem is packed with tall, blonde and beautiful model-esque people. Apparently Beyounce was somewhere in the vicinity partying - probably back on the tacky Sea Force One. Two Vodka Red Bulls set me back 20 euros (ouch! Who said Croatia was cheap?). The Frenchies ask me whether Wingman K & I are together. I roll my eyes and say no.
"He told me that he likes you," they say.
I rolled my eyes and tell that that Wingman K said the very same thing about them.
"You'll have to fight to see who wants to play receiver," I tell them.
They quickly drop the subject after that.

Amongst all the tall blondes, I stick out like a sore thumb. There are plenty of pretty girls coming to talk to me wanting to know about my dress and my flower fascinator.
"I make a good wingman," I tell Wingman K. "I can attract all the pretty girls to come and talk to you."
"Pfff. I don't need any wingman," says Wingman K. "I can do it myself."
Uh huh.

Towards the end of the night I started to get annoyed by the model-esque Croatian people who keep on patting me on the head.
"I want to punch somebody in the face!" I say to Wingman K.
"Don't do that," He says in a panic.

It's all over by 2:30am and we head back to the boat. Wingman K hops so quickly from boat to boat that I don't have time to tell him that we've over shot our boat. Then he decides to use some random's unoccupied bathroom. There are some guys hanging around on the deck of the boat.

"Do you know what will be funny?" they say. "Go back to your own boat, and we'll tell your friend that you've just gone around the corner."
I do just that.

As it turns out, the air conditioning in the room's not working. Beyounce's fucking boat probably sucked out all the island's power for its stupid nightclub strobe lights.

Day Two
Setting sail to Trstenik.

I wake up the next morning to be told two things. One, I looked really fresh (yeah well, what do you expect when vodka Redbulls cost 10 euros a pop,) and two, I had made a lot of noise when I came back. (Oops, sorry.) Wingman K & I are labelled as the most "rock n roll" which is not a huge feat in a boat filled with mellow fellows. Why is it that couples have to be boring?

After a late night out, there's nothing like hanging on the top of the deck.
Everything's sunshine & blue.

We get served fritule for lunch (a typical Croatian dessert which is basically fried dough balls with raisins), and then have fun feeding them to the fish.

Go Fish!


TRSTENIK

Trstenik is a sleepy island (population 80), a sharp contract from the glitzy Hvar. There's a small vineyard & a pizzeria with only one pizza (as in the pizza slab goes from oven, onto the table, and when the table's finished eating their pizza, the slab's taken away for the next pizza to be made.)

Never fear, there's always one of the party boats not too far behind.....

Some of the mellow fellows were confused.
"How come everyone of them has a pirate costume? Did the boat tell them to bring it or did they get them over here?"
"There's a pirate costume shop on Trstenik," I say.
"Really?!"
I try again. "Of course not. Obviously Bazza from Shepard's Bush told Azza to tell all their mates, that it would be a good idea to come dressed as pirates and plunder the sevens seas, starting with the Dalmatian Coast on a boat."
"Who's Bazza? How do you know him?"
"Never mind," I say.

I'm developing a heat rash - already, on day two!

Day Three
There's more swimming in the deep blue sea before docking in Dubrovnik in the afternoon.

DUBROVNIK

Dubrovnik's just as charming as ever with it's small little alleyways, and the walk along the city walls at sun set is always very special, even the second time around.

And did I mention the city walls....?

Later that night, Roommate J is all nosy wanting to know "the goss" on board our cruise. His names to faces isn't the greatest, and his description of people are blunt, in a typical boy fashion.....
"What about those two girls - the taller one with long brown hair, and the shorter, fatter one."
"The one looks like Melissa George, but with bigger teeth."
"The one with the funny teeth."
"The bald one."

Roommate J also has conspiracy theories on the other "non-old-couple" or from Roommate J's descriptions: "The older 30-something year old lady and the young boy."
(Although in fairness, Roommate J's descriptions were much more diplomatic than A. who dubbed the lady as the "Wicked Witch of the West" in lieu of her long standing sour expression. Sour, because the "non-old-couple" had been unable to swap their double room with a room with single beds at the beginning of the cruise.

"There's nothing happening between those two," I say. "Anyway, they even wanted a room with two single beds, remember? Anyway, if you're so busy gossiping about them, don't you think that people are likely going to be saying the exact same thing about us?"
(Only difference is, we did have single beds - until we had to swap with a certain somebody else who had issues with sharing beds. People just need to get over themselves.)

"Nah," says Roommate J. "There's something happening there. She may not want anything, but he's trying to make something happen."

"Anyway, why are you being so nosy?" I say. "NOBODY is hooking up with anybody. Don't you know that this is the boring couples' boat?"
"What?!!?" says Roommate J. "But - but - I wanted to be on a party boat!"
"Er," I say. "Well, I've been labeled 'Miss Rock'n'Roll for coming back on Saturday night at 2am.... So what do you exactly think this boat is?"

The heat rash is spreading and is also now around my abdomen......

Day Four

We dock in the middle of the ocean for our usual morning swim, before sailing over to the island of Mljet, housing one of Croatia's national parks. I actually swam to that uninhabited island (pictured above), but chickened out from stepping foot onto it after spotting many spiky looking sea anemones, not to mention the very loud sound of insects buzzing from deep within the bushes and trees.

MLJET

Compared to Trstenik, Mljet is even more tranquil and quieter still with its total of about three restaurants. But it's all about quality and not quantity. I have a very decent coffee with B in the afternoon sun and later forego dinner on the boat to have seafood risotto & chocolate pancakes with A & L instead.

There's not a lot to "see" and plenty of swimming to do. There is the little isle of St Mary's within the Great Lake (basically an island within the island,) with a 12th Century Benedictine monastery and church, accessible by a ferry with one every hour.

(Below from left to right: Signs on the Ferry Prohibiting Ice-cream, Wet Bathers and Dogs; Outside of the Benedictine Monastery.)

It's even quieter on the little isle so after amusing ourselves by take obligatory photos, followed by sillier photos, there is a mad scramble to get onto the next ferry, which Wingman K somehow managed to miss....

Don't ask how.

Roommate J & L go off together to find some supposed Roman Ruin as listed on the official map, and in the meantime, A & L's female minds go into overdrive and they start thinking that something is going on between those two.
"Gar, honestly, NOTHING is happening," I insist. "You can tell that L's not interested."
"Maybe she isn't, but he certainly is," says A.
Okay, I have a habit of always insisting that there is nothing happening, but it's just well, seeing that people seem to be obsessed in thinking that there's always something happening.
Read on to see who's right.

Sunset as always, is beautiful.

I get a chance to examine some of the other boats, which makes me realise how lucky I am.

Our boat? Same amount of people, twice the size, air conditioning (never mind that the power cut out in Hvar which subsequently cut out the air conditioning,) a bathroom each per room (unlike the others that had to share two bathrooms between 25 people,), not to mention docking priority (meaning less hopping from boat to boat)...... You can tell me that I'm on the "boring" boat any day......

I go out with the boys for one quiet drink after dinner, and the conversation quickly turns to....who is possibly getting on with who on board. ("For God's sake, nobody is getting with anybody," I say. "Why you boys are just as bad as girls.") Again, all the boys are adamant that something is happening between the "non-odd-couple". Apparently the boys had asked each of the "non-odd-couple" unit leading questions with none of them taking the bait or elaborating on their situation. ("That's because you all are silly Nosy Parkers," I say.)

The heat rash is getting worse and is spreading down my leg.

Day Five
Korcula (aka Mini-Dubrovnik)
First stop in the morning is in Port Lumbarda (the smaller port of Korcula) for swimming on the pebble beach....which doesn't last long given that this Australian is use to her soft, white sandy beaches. (Pebbled beaches are just way too painful on the feet.) Had a fabulous iced coffee while I was there, though.

So.... It was back to the boat for beer....and lunch.

During lunch, in continuation of the conversation (on relationships, what else,) from the night before, M asks me why I haven't really gone out with Asian guys.
"It's because I'm not "Hello Kitty" enough," I reply.
(And don't have long hair. And don't like mainstream RnB. And because I don't like karaoke. Sure, how long do you want the list to be....?)

In the evening, we port in the main port of Korcula.

I bump into N (pleasant surpise! :D) who's on another boat going a totally different route. (I mean, what are the odds....?) We end up listening to some live music along the piazza and again, the boys insist that there's something going on.....this time between the singer and the guy playing the keyboard.

"Look; The guy's totally in love with her," says Birthday J.

Me: "For God's sake, he's looking at her to cue in on time with her singing!"

Day Six
Makarska: The Legend of J
This is the day where the legend of how "Birthday-J-Set-His-Hair-On-Fire" first came about. In 50 years time, there will be people in Canada, Australia, New Zealand, South Africa and England telling their grandchildren about this. Only the story would have changed to include B, with superhuman strength and God-like muscular physique, hoisting Birthday J over his shoulder and then throwing him overboard into the ocean, followed by the subsequent realisation that Birthday J wasn't able to swim. Cue in additional drama around having to save the (now extinguished) but drowning boy along with sharks lurking in the water.

(Above: Birthday J with hair mostly unscathed)

Let this blog be evidence of what really happened.
We tell the crew that it's Birthday J's birthday. Large chocolate cake with many candles come out. Birthday J tries to blow all the candles out (and fails dismally). He drops his head into his hands in dismay, not realising that these are joke candles - yes, the type that re-light themselves again, and ends up catching his hair on fire. There is a collective gasp, but all is well as B quickly pats the fire out with his bare hands. (Sometime later, Wingman K asks B why he didn't pour his drink onto Birthday J's head. B grins and replies that he only had beer, and that was way too precious to waste. Hee hee.)


What I wore that Day:

Sunnies: Myers about four or five years ago I think, soon to be lost in sweltering Mostar.
Playsuit: asos
Polka Dot Bikini: H&M
Scarf: Boutique in Warsaw (the name I can't recall)

Makarska during the day is sweltering.

The beach is crowded and pseudo-pebbled (which means more so "dirt" than anything else). There is an abundance of children, litter and cigarette butts, and I'm already missing my last swim off the boat. The biggest novelty on the beach is the giant hamster ball on hire. (A good way to keep your child contained, I suppose.)

I quickly decide to abandon the beach and decide the come back to shore at sunset.

Much better!

Makarska's known for its "Raves in the Caves" - by which I mean its one bar and one club situated in natural caves. We head over to Deep (the bar) for early evening drinks and then check out the club on the opposite side of the island after dinner.

The night club's not exactly pumping (what do you expect for a Thursday night,) filled with underage Croatian teenagers smoking sneaky cigarettes (obviously having told mummy & daddy that they were just going for a stroll). We retire early as it's a 6am wake up call for the day trip into Mostar, Bosnia.

Sometime during day six, we over hear L talking to M about her boyfriend.
"You see?" I tell A & L. "Nothing is happening between L & Roommate J."

Final Day - Mostar, Bosnia
It is sweltering in Mostar, made even worse by the fact that the air conditioning in the bus stops 30 minutes into the journey. I spy a temperature gauge at a petrol station which says it's 30C, and it's only 9am in the morning.....

Mostar is the quintessential Eastern Europe with its dilapidated bullet hole ridden buildings and beggars swarming the minute you step off the bus. I suspect that nobody feels quite at ease here. Everybody seems to want money and have their palms shoved in your face as soon as they see you. There's a shirtless guy with dreadlocks wanting money to jump off the bridge. I am unsure of his asking price, but he was still standing at the bridge by the time we left at the end of the afternoon.

We get an hour guided tour and get shown the local mosque (eh, seen better ones in Morocco,) and Turkish house (eh, been to Turkey). Nothing appears to be truly Bosnian, with its culture being shaped by the various countries that invaded and occupied Bosnia in the past.

(Above: Pots at the Turkish House)

One of the South African girls spies some Russian dolls and asks why they are being sold in Bosnia, seeing that they are Russian. "You mean to say that these have nothing to do with Bosnia?" she adds.

"We sell them because the tourists like them," replies the stall owner before breaking off in to her colleague in Bosnian.

"She's probably telling her colleague that you're a bitch for asking such difficult questions," I say grinning at the South African girl.

Most of us spend our free time hiding in Ali Ba Ba's cave where it is a good deal cooler. Things in Bosnia are super cheap, but it's a relief to get on that (non-air conditioned) bus again.

Day 8 - Ireland: The Journey Home
and as usual, it is raining in Ireland.... *sigh*.....