“Dubai is a Great Big Fake City”

(Above top to bottom: "Everybody loves their dictator" - it's the equivalent of having John Howard or George W. Bush on your windscreen, a random "balloon festival")

The Vibe:

A lot of things seem to be made out of fiberglass. Dubai is a young city with not a lot of culture (as to be expected when locals make up only about 10% of the population, and the fact that the city’s only about 30 yrs old). Efforts to “build” culture can be seen in examples such as demolishing Moroccan palaces in Morocco, transporting the bricks to then build them up in Dubai – (sounds exactly like Disney World to me), building great big fake fiberglass monuments, building a ski resort (in the middle of the dessert) that has snow that is flown in for the mountainous regions of Jordan. (If you want to know why our earth is falling to pieces, I suggest you take a look here first.) Dubai is trying to develop itself into the “New York of the Middle East” – fast – by rapidly building poorly designed sky scrapers, roads and shopping malls, and labeling streets with names such as “C1” (but then having C1 next to A58). Go figure…..

(Above from top to bottom: At the "Moroccan Palace" - (B. looking thug-like - just kidding!), somewhat illegal looking shisha)

The Women are beautiful and expensive, and are looking to snag themselves a rich businessman to support their expensive tastes in LV bags and Jimmy Choo’s. The plan is to fall pregnant and hopefully be supported by some guy for the rest of their lives, I think. There are many about who dress like tramps – (ie: tight, extremely low slung jeans, revealing midriff tops) and totter around painfully high stilettos looking to see how many (stupid) men are looking at them.

You are treated according to what passport you hold. On the top of the pecking order are the Arab locals, followed by WASP-y countries such as England, American and Australia. (Lowest of lowest are people from India.) If you decide to work there, you will be housed and paid according to what you are “used to” back in your home country. Eg: If you are Australian, you will be housed in a roomy apartment with full furnishes (but be paid less than an American). If you are from India, you will be housed in the same one bedroom apartment as the Australian, but will share this with nine other people (also from India) with no laundry facilities (as you will be expected to find some “river” to wash your clothes such as back in India).

What there is to do in Dubai

1) Shop for high end designer labels in shopping malls.

2) Eat in shopping malls.

3) Watch movies in shopping malls.

4) Hang out in shopping malls (watching Indian people – yes, it’s only the Indian people - taking photos of retail stores and food courts).

5) Go to a gym (in a shopping mall).

(Above: that slip of paper means all that food on that tray - I don't pretend to understand...)

Boob Magazines such as FHM and Ralph can be purchased at the cost of $20 (AUS) complete with censorship which literally means black marker pen lines drawn to block the women’s private parts. (“Yeah, which lucky bastard got that job,” B remarked. I personally think the person doing the job is “over it”, and likely to be suffering from RSI.) If famous artworks such as “David” was to tour Dubai, I am sure somebody (probably the Play Boy black marker pen censor dude) will have to draw a line to censor the nether-regions of statue.

If you are pregnant, be sure that you’re married – otherwise you will be stoned to death. If you are raped by somebody with high standing in Dubai, you will be put into jail for being a prostitute.

Why did the Indian cross the road?

This is not a rhetorical question (or a joke). I really want to know why. The only people I saw walking along freeways were Indians, and they would be walking in the middle of nowhere, walking to…….goodness knows where. Without wanting to sound racist, it is only Indian people in Dubai who seem to have absolutely no road sense, and will cross motorways (where cars are driving at 100kmph) looking at the wrong side of the road, and will sometimes (literally) stop right in the middle of a busy freeway to tie their shoelace.

(Above: View from the Gulf. Picutre of the funny pointy building is the Burge which is the $5000US/per night 7 star hotel)

"Tube Lines have Personalities Too"

"Please find the gap between the train and the platform"

District and Circle Lines (Green & Yellow)

Personality Traits: Extremely slow with long pauses at many of the stations. The District line literally stops prior to stopping at a platform and will sit there for a good 3 to 4 minutes. The Circle line has long pauses (of up to 5 minutes) sitting at any one station. Both are known to be generally “down” during the weekend for engineering works and also run the risk of totally not working at least 2-3 times a week. People seem to think the District is the slowest. The most strategic move is not ensure that you’re not living in a place where you have to rely on solely the district, circle or hammersmith and city line with absolutely no bus alternative (as you will seriously be fucked….).

Jubilee Line (Purple)

Personality Traits: Won the award for the most reliable line with the least breakdowns/disruptions. (Mainly because it’s also the newest line, having been built in 1978.) Note that this line generally does not get you anywhere of great importance and even if you did take this line, you’d probable need to transfer to some of the other lines at some point in time in order to get to places. Note that winning an award does not guarantee immunity from breakdowns either.

Central Line (Red)

Personality Traits: Seems to stop working first thing on a Monday morning on a fairly regular basis, usually coinciding with bus strikes….. Outer realms (ie: zone 3 & 4 areas) tend to stop working for engineering works during the weekends.

Hammersmith and City (Pink)

Always “down” on the weekend. When it moves, it sort of groans and creaks, and moves really, really, REALLY slowly.

Piccadilly Line (Blue)

This is the line that gets you to Heathrow airport. It is more reliable than the Circle and District line, but again, it’s usually “down” on weekends – usually right at the end at zone 6 – ie: the part that takes you to Heathrow, making travel on weekends difficult.

Northern Line (Black)

Stops at stations with funny names belonging to something out of Thomas the Tank Engine such as Tooting Bec (“Toot, toot!!”), and Tooting Broadway (did I already say, “Toot toot!”….?). Also known as the “dodgy” line as per the Armadale line back in Perth – particularly around Elephant and Castle end…… The regulars refer to this line "fondly" as the "misery line" in reference to the number of times it breaks down...