The Not So Lonely Planet: March 2009

A Poem about Deck (Pronounced with a New Zealand Accent)

The quintessential example of why boys are idiots.
Dedicated to the Irish Dickheads. All four of them. If I see any of you again, I'm going to kick you in the nuts and scream rape.

There you stand with a twinkle in your eye
Both of us know beneath the surface the truth belies
Casual strangers would look in and see
Friendly banter between you and me.

You tried to crawl into my bed
There're many things that have been left unsaid.
You crossed the line and you still deny
"Just a joke," is how you try and hide.

I don't believe a word you've said
Your tone of voice betrayed some strange desire unmet
I don't believe a word you've said
When you say you really didn't want me in your bed.

You're such a fool, you're such a creep
I hope this girlfriend is the one you keep.
The more entwined your lives become
The less I see you, I'm hoping none.

Disrespected and annoyed
There's something burning anger filling that void
How dare you drag me into your mess
You wanted a play thing, your ego caressed

My involvement in this, it wasn't a choice
You think I'm powerless but I have a voice
Like typical boys you all get away
But I know one day you're going to pay

- that's because Karma's a bitch.....

Spot the Difference: When the Asian Girl Get Confused at the Chinese Provision Store

N. got me into this extremely yummy (and seriously addictive) Chinesey (chilli) bean sauce also known as "the one with the Chinese writing and the Mao-esque looking guy at the front of the jar". After consuming an entire jar in under four weeks, thanks to eating it with almost everything from quiche to soups, I took a trip down to Cork city to buy another jar. After settling down to eat some freshly pan fried pork dumplings, I cracked opened the jar in eager anticipation to find....a Sichuan sauce with chilli, peanuts and some other crunchy unidentifiable....thing.

I whipped out the old jar and the new jar to compare and.....go figure.

If the Asian girl can't really tell the difference, how does anybody else stand a chance when they're shelved next to each other?

Tom Tom v.3.Potatoland

Rules on Navigating the Irish Roads

1. Roads generally have no names, and if they do have a name, there is usually no road sign.

2. If a road does have a name, nobody knows it by its actual name and will refer to the road according to where it's going. Eg: "The Limerick Road" or "The Dublin Road" when they really mean the N20 or the N8 (aka motorways).

3. It is not uncommon to find yourself at a T-junction and to see a road sign pointing in opposite directions for exactly the same destination.

4. There are no postcodes in Ireland (yeah, it's a bitch when you're trying to order things online,) and people's addresses are often just the name of the town eg: Bweeng, Co. Cork, Ireland. This is akin to addressing a letter something to the effect of "Perth, Western Australia" or "Vancouver, Canada".

5. The newer houses are on streets with street names and house numbers, but there are usually no street signs or house numbers on display. You sometimes get odd numbers on one side, and even numbers on the other, although it is not uncommon to also see "1, 2, 3, 4" on the same side of the road. Sometimes on the same street, you'll find numbers "1,2,3,4" and then halfway up the street the numbers will start again from "1" as in "1,2,3,4,5"....

6. Multiple roads can sometimes be given the same street name, commonly seen in housing estates.

7. Sometimes a street may suddenly change name half way up for no apparent reason.

8. It is not a good idea to stop directly in front of the line at a traffic light. This is because traffic lights are positioned in such a way that you'd need to crane your neck in order to see the traffic light, and sometimes, even with cocking your head in all sorts of weird and wonderful angles, you still aren't able to see the lights. (And so what are the lines on the road for....? I don't know.)

9. To confuse the postman even more, nearby adjacent streets may have similar names (eg: Summerhill Grove, Summerhill St, Summerhill Road).

10. Despite no postcodes and no street names, mail never gets lost in Ireland, unlike in the UK where there is a specific postal code for everything single flat and unit. Mr Postman knows all.

Rules of Tom Tom v.3.Potatoland: How to Give Directions Irish Style

Always give directions according to where pubs are located and ensure to always be vague. Eg: "Do you know where O'Donoghue's is? It's somewhere along there."

"Over the Hill and Far Away":
Directions in itself are "Once upon a time" stories.
There's no "Turn left onto Cooper street, and then turn right at the second set of traffic lights, keep on going straight until you get to the T-junction and then turn left."
The very best/most accurate you will get is: "Go past the haystack, and then over the hill and around past the graveyard. About 3 miles down you will see a house with dog pilars and then about 2 miles after this turn right into a small country lane. Go past the house with the slide in the garden and my house is then a few yards up from the cottage with the garden gnome in the garden."
Then Farmer Murphy or "O'-Something" decides to move that haystack, and you're now officially screwed.

Story telling on the poorer end of the spectrum will include descriptions such as "You will see two flowers, and then my house is somewhere up from there."

Apparently every farmer's field has an official name, however it's doubtful that most people know what they are (and they obviously wouldn't have any signs up either.)

Houses are always used as landmarks, and at the very best, you may have something like this:

Thankfully the Irish play into all the stereotypes.

Describing Roads:
A "Y" in the road may be described as a "three way intersection".
A T junction may not actually be a T junction but a fucking right turn as people cannot seem to understand that it is not a T junction if you're coming from the other direction.
When you confirm that a specific landmark is on your right (or left), 50 percent of the time you should assume the opposite of what people tell you. This is because, as indicated by the T junction example, people cannot fucking understand that you may be driving from the other direction (even though you've already told them where you're coming from).

The Damsel in Distress Directions:
"Drive into the village, stop in the middle of the road, flag somebody down and ask them where I live."

(Right. Are you completely out of your mind?!?!!)

If all else fails, flag down the postman, as the postman knows everybody (and probably all the gossip too).

The Irish colours of the Rainbow:

"My house is cream coloured."