The Irish Never Conquered the Earth because they were too Busy at the Pub & Other Cultural Revelations

Only in Ireland.....will you find a gym attached to a sports bar selling hard liquor with a cigarette machine sitting in the corridor.

("Bartender, gimme a whiskey on the rocks for the treadmill and while you're at it, light my cigarette....")

There are fewer toned & tanned gym buffs at the gym, and more who really look like they should be there.
Only in Ireland would you have gym classes cancelled because nobody turned up. (Can you imagine that happening in Australia....?)

The Irish have manage to translate expert "Where's Wally" skills into the fine art of "Spot Whose Glass is Empty".

Ask for water, and you'll get a gin & tonic. (Hey, aside from the bubbles, it's the same colour, I suppose...)

Food is..... Boiled bacon & cabbage, carrots & potatoes, soda bread and more potatoes. For the record, falafel is not a horse or an exotic potato species (I like have been telling everybody over here).

"Different" meals at your local pub usually means everything is the same aside from your meat like so:

The Irish cannot go without potato, evident by the fact that they give you two to three scoops of mash with your meal along with chips and sometimes a couple of roast potatoes to go. Pizza is never ordered by itself and must always be accompanied by soggy grey chips (also purchased from the same greasy pizza store).

In London, airport and train announcements are in English (understood by 95% of the population), followed by other languages such as French, German, Spanish & Italian (for the confused tourists). In Ireland, atms, trains and airports make announcements in Gaelic (understood by nobody,) followed by English (understood by everybody).

"Padraigin" is the female version of the name Patrick. Hahahaha - it's like having a Peter and a Peterina! Hee hee hee hee hee...... Hmm, come to think of it, Patricia would be the female version of Patrick so I suppose Padraigin must be gaelic for Patricia...? Okay, so maybe not so funny after all.....

Kindergarten flashcard pictures depict cartoon people primarily with ginger hair (as per the population). The same goes for Irish commericals.

The best time to go supermarket shopping is Sunday before 11:30am, as everybody's at Sunday mass (or nursing a hangover).

95% of confessions at Sunday mass revolve around two things:
"Forgive me Father, for I have sin. I drank too much last night and made out with cousin Seamus/Mairead."

I'm not joking about the cousin bit. There is a very small gene pool in Ireland and according to my colleagues, there are plenty who marry their cousins; hence the reason for the high incidence of cystic fibrosis & people with strangely squashed looking faces....

The little old Irish ladies have little red rinses instead of blue rinses.

The Irish do this hurrid & distracted "bye bye bye bye" when they end a telephone conversation, as if they're extremely busy and have things to do and places to go. I told my colleague that I am pretty sure it's more a case of "bye-bye-bye-bye-bye", put down the telephone receiver and stare blankly into space (or the TV).

The retired Irish have way too much time on their hands. When you call to make an appointment, they assume that they are going to be visited that very same day.

Ireland has similar alcohol buying restrictions to the isolated country towns and Aboriginal communities in Australia.

60 percent of the popluation have surnames that begin with "O", and the other 40 percent start with "M" (for "Murphy"). I believe that the only "O" that I haven't seen so far is "O-Really".

So common is the "O-Something" that people totally disregard the "O" and would say "Flynn", "Connell", "Leary" etc.

Cue to Closetblonde's one hour search for a "missing" file following a telephone conversation with a client on the telephone -

Me (verrry sloooowly): "So your surname is spelt: R for rabbit, E for egg, G for goat, A for apple and N for Nelly."
Client: "Yes."

One hour later, I found out that it was....... "O'Regin". Yes, with the "i" that's apparently for "apple"!!!

Irish Surnames: A Pictorial Representation in Alphabetical Order

This should be read: abcde F ghij k l M n O p qr s t uvwxyz

The Case of the Missing Daft Punk

O light of my life where could you be?

A new year's resolution, can't you see?

My vow was to follow you across the sea,

In my home town I had missed you, unfortunately.

People sang praises about your show,
Said it was the best thing ever, (like I really wanted to know).

Come January 1st, 2008
I vow to somehow see you, before it's too late.

I travel to Paris, your city, your home,
Across the Parisian streets I look and I roam.

Not a sight in Montemarch, not a sight in Fauchon,
Not a sight in coffee houses, I'm becoming forlorn.




"Do they have a regular gig," I ask my Parisian friend.
"Er who are they?" was the reply at the end.

As 2008 draws to a close,
I don't know where you're playing, and nobody knows.

The clock is ticking, drawing the year to an end.
My resolution was stupid, before it began.

Happy new year, Daft Punk!

xoxo Closetblonde