London: The Good, The Bad and the Ugly Toilet Monster

Let this be an education to those who have wondered what it is like living in London...... Anything that should be so simple is just so difficult; it's like pulling teeth or trying eat jelly with a knife. It's just so frustrating because neither assertiveness or being persistent seems to work, and after a while, people give up and just accept the way things are. "We're very sorry, but there's nothing we can do," is the phrase that is parroted over and over again. "I'm sorry, but we just follow the rules," and "Computer says No," comes a close second. The only consistent thing that seems to work is to start bawling - the English seem to get scared when you start crying because you're making a scene - and then all of a sudden, somewhat miraculously, the creaky cogwheels start turning. GP receptionist cannot find your file or any record that you've registered with the practice? Just start crying. Haven't been paid for ten weeks because of a glitch in the payroll system? Turn on the waterworks. "I don't have enough money for rent and am going to have to live in a cardboard box," works quite well. Not sure why I didn't do it sooner. That's right, I was trying to be assertive.

Toilet Monster Timeline:
3rd June Thursday: Get a text from cousin JY to say that there has been an incident with the toilet. Apparently the water level started rising the night before and as they weren't sure what to do, they just left it. In the morning, there was a massive explosion of sewerage all over the bathroom. When shit hits the fan is an understatement. They spend the entire day cleaning, although by right the landlord should have covered the cost for an industrial cleaner. The landlord is contacted and there is the usual shifting of blame - "Not sure how long it will take to fix," "It's a problem with the building's pipes and not the house," - and absolutely no acknowledgment of his responsibility or the fact that the apartment is unlivable in this state.

4th June Friday: Back from Barcelona. Toilet's still not fixed so I head to Waterloo to the hotel where my aunt is conveniently staying. (Thank God for relatives who travel the world for work!)

7th June Monday: No news from the landlord about whether the toilet's been fixed. I stay on at the hotel and it's off to Norfolk the next day.

10th June Thursday: Back just for one night. The landlord has advised that the toilet was fixed over the weekend, with the plumber having a look at the pipes outside but not at the toilet inside the flat. Everybody starts using the toilet somewhat tentatively.

10th June Thursday Evening: Cousin JY spots a slight trickle of back flow from the toilet. "This is what happened the last time," is what she says. Hmm, sounds like it's still not fixed.

11th June Friday: Escape from the toilet monster in the early hours of Friday morning. Off to sunny Mykonos.

22nd June Tuesday: Back from the Greek islands. Cousin JY reports that the toilet was finally fixed as of.....yesterday! "What about the first time when the landlord said that the plumber came to fix it over the weekend?" I ask. Apparently it was a case of the plumber having a look at it.....and that was it. Landlord then tells everyone that it's been "fixed".

24th June Thursday: Off to Nottingham => Budapest => Coventry

30th June Wednesday: Email from Cousin JY. Apparently the toilet still might not be working. I am advised not to use it and that she will try to get it repaired when she's back in late Sept. W1 postcode and no toilet. Might as well be living in a car park space. I offer to try and help get the toilet fixed when I'm back in London in August.

9th July Friday: I see my aunt on msn. I advise her that I'm back in London on Sunday for the day. I ask her whether she wants me to try and sort out the toilet. She tells me that it may be best to just pay for the plumber. "Chasing the landlord might take years," is what she types.

11th July Sunday 9am: Back in London for the day. I check the toilet under JY's instructions. There is a back flow of crap coming back up the toilet. Oh shit, literally. This cannot wait until September - it's become a critical hygiene issue. I msg my aunt to see if she can get the contact of the plumber who can apparently come within the day. I'm too scared to flush the toilet so I chuck some bleach down the loo. I get a text from my aunt's friend with the plumber's contact details. He cautions that it's still best to go through the landlord as things will become complicated if we try to fix it ourselves and if it goes wrong. I email my aunt and cousin and leave it as that.

11th July 10am: I cannot take it. I close the bathroom door, leave the flat and head to Fernandez & Wells in Soho for a much needed coffee.

Chocolate banana cake. Mmmmm...

11th July 11:55am: Brunch/lunch @ the Breakfast Club. There's something on the website's menu that we all want (hash browns with chorizo, mushrooms and a rocket salad). It's not on the paper menu, but seriously, they have all those ingredients in other dishes so surely they can make this up? No....of course not. This is London so when we ask the waitress, she frowns and the computer says no. "The only other thing we have is the specials on the menu," she says waving a hand at the chalkboard. What do you know, the special on the board is exactly what we were asking for. Not that the computer was listening. We see that it can be only ordered until 12 noon so we try to flag her down to order, but she's already off.

11th July 12:05pm: We finally flag the waitress down. It's five past the hour when we order the specials. We're late in ordering and she knows it. She frowns as she looks at her watch and tells us that she'll have to check with the kitchen.

11th July 12:08pm: Success! The computer is able to say yes! What a surprise!

12th July: Email from Cousin JY. She tells me that she'll email the landlord to get the toilet fixed.

22nd July: JY reports that an email to landlord has been sent, however he has hasn't responded. wtf. I suggest to JY to stop paying the rent.

29th July: Overnight stay in London where I not only find the toilet moldy, but a suspicious brown residue in both the kitchen sinks and the bath tub!!! Eeeewww..... I am forced to flush the toilet - thankfully, there is no explosion. Email to JY and aunty advising them to stop paying rent. No toilet since June? Ridiculous. I take a trip to the hotel opposite the flat to use their toilet.

30th July: AM spent cleaning the kitchen sink, bath tub and toilet.

1st August: Email from JY asking if I can take photos of the toilet, sink and bathroom as evidence of the ongoing issue. I reply to tell her that it's too late, I've already cleaned everything!

3rd August: Back from Amsterdam, still no resolution. Continuing to pretend that I'm a resident at the hotel opposite the flat.

4th August: Advised by JY that one of the flatmates who is back mid-August will chase the landlord up. I am unconvinced and predict that the toilet still won't be fixed by the time I leave in September.

5th August: Off to Edinburgh this morning. I throw in a generous amount of bleach into the toilet as a safety precaution.

13th August: Early a.m., back from Edinburgh. Suspicious residue in the toilet. I take a photo for JY before bracing and flushing.


13th August: Late a.m.. Badly need the toilet and run over to the hotel opposite the flat. Am caught by a workman having a cigarette outside the flat who watches me scuttle in and out of the hotel. Great. Ironically, the music playing the ladies restroom sounds like something out of Laurel and Hardy. I feel like I'm in some sort of slapstick pantomime. A. asks me via FB whether I got stuck in the toilet seat for effect. That comment deserves a beer when we meet up at Sun & Bass.

14th August: I check with cousin JY who now says that her flat mate's only back at the end of August. Apparently the toilet will be sorted then. Er, okay.....

16th August: I visit my aunty in Cambridge who offers to let me stay longer in light of the non-functioning toilet. I tell her that it's okay as I'm off to stay with my dad's friend in Haywards Heath at the end of the week.

29th August: Back from Haywards Heath where I find the Flat mate WM home!!! He tells me that the toilet smells really clean and nice.
"Erm, that's only because I've been throwing toilet duck and bleach down the toilet all this time," I say.
He says that the toilet looks okay so he's starting using it again. (Erm, really?)
"There was shit coming back up the toilet," I say. "AND you're still getting sewerage coming up your bath and your kitchen sink."
Flatmate WM says that "maybe he will follow up on this."
Er, okay.

30th August: While packing my bags for Valencia, I so happen to catch this:

Sewerage coming up the bath.

1st September: Nobody seems concerned about the toilet. I give up and start using it like normal. I'm not here for much longer anyway, so if it all goes to shit (literally), I probably would be gone by then.

2nd September: Off to Sun & Bass - woohoo!!!!

18th September: Back for my final weekend and "The Festival of Me". The toilet's not flushing particularly well and needs to be flushed twice to clear it.

20th September: R. comes to visit me from Coventry. She asks whether "the toilet monster will get her if she uses the toilet". I tell that that there are no guarantees, but luckily, nothing happens.

22nd September: I see cousin JY in Singapore. "You're toilet's going to explore at some stage again," I say. "It's displaying the exact same symptoms as before, like not flushing properly."
"That's only because the water flow is weak," says cousin JY.
"Er, I think you're pipes are actually blocked," I say and leave it as that.
My aunt shakes her head. "Kampong mentality," she says. "Maybe the toilet cannot be fixed."

Moral of the story? If your toilet breaks down in June, don't expect it to be repaired within a four month period.

THE END