Wild in Scotland

Aphorisms from the Scottish Highlands




I have a Scottish boyfriend. He's red, hairy and horny.



(Actually, that was Heather, not Hamish..... Hamish was off shooting a movie somewhere....)




Bring a Singaporean out on a boat and she'll eat the sea.


(Mmmm, chilli crab.....)

Some people pay big money to see dolphins, others see them for free :)




Bananas and shrimps may seem like an unlikely pairing, but not in Scotland.....

The way to make a boy buy nuts is to hang them in front a picture of a blonde, busty girl in lingerie.

(Yes, it's really that simple.)

Nessie is purple and eats marmite.


You can also take her home for £6.50.

When you see a large, fluffy ginger cat, he can only be called Garfield.


You can visit the city of Perth without having to leave the UK.

Mail from London to Perth often ends up in Perth, Western Australia, and not Perth, Scotland.


The Highlands run on "Highland time". It takes forty-five minutes to heat a pie. One minute is the equivalent of ten.

The Glaswegians are known for being "passionate and hot" (ie: they will stab you,) those from Edinburgh are known to be more reserved, and the people from Inverness were voted ugliest people three times running.


I thought the landscape in Scotland would be the same as Ireland and I was wrong. It's wilder, more varied and beautiful.

Computer Says No

15 July 2010 Last updated at 14:40

Hampshire workmen paint white lines around dead badger

Workmen painting white lines on a road left a gap for a dead badger because they said it was not their responsibility to move it.

The animal had been killed about a week before on the A338 near Downton, on the Hampshire-Wiltshire border.

Hampshire County Council said the workers did what they thought "was best" because it is the district council's job to remove carcasses.

The badger has now been removed and the painting will be completed on Friday.

The county council said there would be no extra cost to taxpayers because the company was being paid a fixed rate for the job.

"I drove home to see his body between the lines - they had painted the road, but left a gap where he lay” Quote Businessman Kevin Maul

Businessman Kevin Maul was on his way home from work when he noticed the break in the lines.

He said: "I couldn't quite believe my eyes when I saw this poor old badger who had been there over a week.

"I'd seen him every day as I went by and wondered if he was going to be picked up.

"Then on Friday I drove home to see his body between the lines - they had painted the road, but left a gap where he lay."

Hampshire County Council is responsible for the line painting but New Forest District Council is responsible for clearing road kill.

The two failed to arrange the clearance before line painting began.

Mel Kendal, county council environment chief, said: "We would usually liaise with our colleagues at the district council who dispose of animal carcasses on the highways to ensure the badger was removed before the white line painting crew did this stretch of road.

"This appears not to have happened in this case and the white line painting crew did what they thought was best until arrangements could be made to dispose of the carcass.

"These arrangements have now been made and the gap in the white lines will be filled in, at no extra cost to the council tax payer."

Council contractor Amey said the staff from sub-contractor Bellstan were not "licensed or trained" to remove road kill.