The Not So Lonely Planet: The Wedding

Synposis: Braveheart invades foreign land to capture Asian bride.

The Extended Version
My sister had the most unconventional wedding. (Or should I say wedding ceremony - as she was already married when she walked down the aisle.)

The Venue: Thailand, at a boutique hotel by the sea. And no, we're not Thai. And neither is her husband who is in fact, Scottish (as we can all obviously see from the photos)....

(Above: The front view of our suite.)

The hotel was bew-ti-ful, although the experience was slightly marred when we returned to the suite after the reception, and found ourselves with one, large rat making itself at home to the chocolate and fruit in our room. We managed to trap the rat in the bathroom, called for the hotel staff, and had two men come running, armed with nothing but their bare hands. After about 10 minutes of pandemonium, the men came out of the bathroom victorious, with the large rat lying very still in a plastic bag. (Don't ask me how they managed to kill it. Maybe there's a special Thai way of doing it.) We spent the rest of the night going, "I wonder where else the rat went. Do you think it was on the bed?"

(Above from left to right: Sea view from the hotel's restaurant & hotel poolside.)

It was after that that we noticed that the hotel's brochure also mentioned something about the "friendly house geckos" that could found in the hotel rooms - apparently there to eat the mosquitos (or maybe it was more like they couldn't get rid of them, so they had to try and put a positive spin on their unsuccessful attempts with pest control...?).

(Above: Each room had these cute little water bowls outside the door. A lady would come around each morning to top up the bowl with fresh petals and water. I assumed that the water was there to wash our feet of sand before we entered our rooms - the idea taken up enthusiastically by everybody when I suggested it, although I did start to think twice and warned everyone that I was not to be held responsible if things started growing on people's feet....)

Three Words to Describe My Mum's Side of the Family: Poor time management. (Aside from my uncle that is, who is punctual to the very minute.) The wedding was supposed to start at 4:30pm with guest congregating at the small patch of beach at 4:15pm (which was literally right outside our suite). At 4:15pm, the marriage celebrant came knocking to politely remind us that wedding was supposed to start at 4:30pm.

"Yes, we know," I said speaking for everybody who were in the meantime running around like headless chickens, scrambling to get dressed in wedding clothes. My oldest cousin who was in one corner having a cat nap probably didn't add any confidence in what I was saying.

Outside we could hear ambient music being played - (what I would describe as Thai xylophone music) - which seemed to suspiciously get faster and faster as it approached 4:30pm. (Sorta like those computer games where the music starts getting faster and faster as you start to run out of time.) But as you can see, we all made it in good time with us sitting on (technically) the wrong side of the aisle -

Me: "Wait, isn't the bride's side supposed to sit on the left?"
Aunt (in hoarse whisper): "There's no groom side. If we all sit on the left, there will be nobody on the right."

(Above: Me and my lovely cousins. From left to right - JY, JW, JP and me. We girls some how unintentionally ended up coordinating with each other.)

JP (my youngest cousin in the above picture), almost didn't make it to the wedding in her dress as she picked up the wrong suitcase at the airport. (Picked up or was given the wrong suitcase - it's all debatable as my aunt's family were the last ones out of the plane and by that time, all the luggage had been taken off the carousel, with the identical looking bag in question being conveniently placed next to their other suitcase.) So convinced they were that it was correct bag, that when the combination to the suitcase refused to work - ("Hey, maybe we accidentally changed the combination lock,") - they got the hotel staff to cut the suitcase open. The first thing they saw was this gigantic pill box containing a mountain of pills - "Hypochondriac," my aunt muttered upon seeing the various different types of multi-vitamins and antihistamines - good thing JP's actual suitcase had a tag with her mobile number on it, otherwise the lady would have been well and truly freaked out about her missing pills.

Most Difficult: Walking on the beach in Jimmy Choos. Yes, the Jimmy Choos finally came out of the box - and probably at the wrong occasion. (Jimmy was not happy and shrieked abuse at me the whole entire afternoon.) We had been all assured that the wedding was not going to be one the beach - and then found out that it was - which meant all girls trying to walk unsuccessfully in stilletos in the sand. I ended up with bilateral leg cramps in my unsuccessful attempt to leap from the bamboo mat (serving as the "aisle") to my seat located in the sand.

Me (muttering): "I bet you anything that the photographer will be wanting us to climb those rocks for photos."

Sure enough, the shoes quickly came off.

And in the meantime, we managed to get some fabulous shots on top of the rocks. Unfortunately, with my sister's silly photographer completely missed out on that beautiful sunkissed glow as he was too busy taking photos somewhere else.

(Above: Cocktail dresses & champers on the rock.)

G. will be known forever more as "The Polish Guy" - the name given by JP as he is "tall and pole-like". The upside to all of this is that my sister's kiddies will be of average height. (Or so say the law of averages.....)

(Below: G. and the marriage celebrant who is incidentally not that short.)

Biggest Boo-Boo:
While writing out our wedding cards, my youngest cousin asked how to spell G's name. The following conversation was the transpire:

Me (confidently): "It's G-R-A-E-M-E"
JP: "Ok."
Aunt: "Are you sure? It thought it was spelt like GREY-HAM."
Me: Really....?

(Short pause.)

Me (voice becoming an octave higher): "REALLY?!!!! ARE YOU SURE?!"
JP: "Yeah, I think that's what it says in the ceremony booklet."
Me: "WHAT....?! Are you sure it's not spelt the Grammie way?"
JY: "Yeah, I think so."
Me: "OH NO!!!! You mean to say that I have been spelling his name incorrectly all this while? Why didn't somebody tell me?!?!!!"

(I'm not even going to mention about how I helpfully also instructed all my dad's friends in the UK with the incorrect spelling as well - there's sure to be more gifts coming across from the northern hemisphere with the word "Grammie" written on them.)

Me: "ARGH!!!! WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? I'VE ALREADY PUT HIS NAME IN MY CARD!"

JY: "I have blanko*. You want to borrow some?"

(Before anybody asks why my cousin would bring a pencil case on holiday, I have to point out that she was in the middle of her A level exams.)

*Note that "Blank-o" is what Singaporeans call white out (in reference to a popular brand name).

Me: "AARGH!!! I CAN'T JUST BLANK-O HIS NAME OUT ON A WEDDING CARD!"

Aunt (in the background): "Tee hee hee. If you blank-o his name, he'll wonder whether you've recycled a card from one of your sister's previous wedding and previous husbands."

Me: "OMG! What do I do?! Do I spell his name incorrectly on the envelope or do I spell it like how I've spelt it in the card?"

Aunty (continuing in the background): "He'll be wondering whether it was a John, or whether it was a Michael....."

It appeared my options were to:
1) White out his name and spell it correctly on both the envelope and card.
2) Spell his name incorrectly on both the envelope and the card (for consistency).
3) Spell his name correctly on the envelope and leave his name incorrect in the card (and then try to blame it on my jetlag).

I decided the lesser of evils would be to choose option no 3. and then hope for the best.

How to Do a "Thai" Wedding:

1. Walk down the aisle in a cheongsam

2. Have a Scottish husband (decked out in kilt) standing at the end of the "altar" in a scattering of orchids (in the shape of a heart).

3. Rings are exchanged....

Incidentally, G's wedding band didn't fit - me whispering to my aunt, "You see? It's a recycled wedding ring - just like my blanko-ed card." Har, har har.....

5. You have a Thai lady boy do some dancing for you while the celebratory champagne flows.

6. You have a tea ceremony and because you are a half-arsed Asian, you get it all wrong. ("You're supposed to serve the tea in the tray," my sister hissed through smiling clenched teeth - the obligatory expression needed for the photographs, of course. Your cousins are even more pathetic - and get it wrong even after watching you :p)

7. You take a few photos before the sun sets.

8. You get served cake and get confused when going to the toilet.

Okay, with the camera flash it is pretty obvious which sign is for the ladies and which is for the lady boys, but I can tell you that in the dim lighting, it took a while to figure things out. So much so when I returned a second time (for the purpose of just taking a photo of the toilet signs,) the waitress immediately thought I was confused and helpfully pointed out where to go. (I then really had no choice but to go into the toilets, as I didn't want to explain my reasons for going back to the toilets....)

Other shots from Thailand