Happy Christmas from Ireland & a Symmetrically Decorated Christmas Tree from Zurich

How to do Christmas in Ireland:

The nice thing about Ireland is that Christmas decorations aren't put up in stores until December, unlike Australia where it's already Christmas by the time September hits - right after Father's Day. Notice how store displays and advertisements do that quick change from lawn mowers, tools and golf clubs to Frosty the Snowman and Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer? It's all very bizarre. (And then we have the Easter eggs come out after the 1st of January - but that's another story....)

Nobody over here says "Merry Christmas," and only "Happy Christmas". When I asked my colleague why, her answer was, "That's because we're already merry." (Ca-Ching! goes the drum kit.)
My question must have puzzled her somewhat as when I returned from morning tea, she informed me that she had called her mother during that time to ask what I had asked her. Apparently "Happy Christmas" is a direct translation from Irish version of Merry Christmas (Nollaig Shona Duit), although my northern Irish colleague then told me that he reckons that Nollaig Shona Duit is a direct translation from the original English/UK saying of "Happy Christmas"; and around and around we go.

The English kids are formal and call Santa "Father Christmas". (Fond memories of me seeing a seven year old kid and calling him "Charlie", only to have him correct me in his (all so very posh) English accent, "My name isn't Charlie, it's Charles." - as if he was like next in line for the throne. Oh whatever, Charlie.....)
The Irish kids are much less formal and generally call Santa "Santie".

Parents take great pains to create the belief that Santie is well and truly real, unlike my parents who when I asked, age four, how Santa could bring presents when we didn't have a chimney, couldn't provide me with a definitive answer. That and living in Asia in my younger years, how can one explain that Santa is sometimes Indian, sometimes Malay, sometimes Chinese and then obviously white on TV? Not being racist; I'm just saying.
Parents over here are so elaborate in their plans to instill the belief of Santie that they will:

1) Wait until their children are asleep and then run out of the house, get in their car and then drive to the stores to buy Christmas present. (Sounds like a Christmas family movie in the making.)
2) Smuggle presents into the house, hide them in the attic, and then secretly sneak the presents down under the tree on Christmas eve when the children are asleep.
3) Leave half eaten cookies as evidence that Santa has been and gone. (Which reminds me - I must ask whether they leave out Guinness for Santa instead of milk.)
4) Leave hoof prints outside the house as evidence of the reindeers. (Possible given that many people have tractors and horses etc.)

It is apparently quite normal for Irish kids to believe in Santa to an age of double digits, that I can only conclude that they must be one of the most gullible children in the world. Don't any of these kids access the internet? (Then again, there are places in Ireland with no broadband so I'm not surprised.)

The Irish are very generous and think nothing of spending two to three hundred euro on a present for someone, not mentioning any names such as my house mate's girl. (Pity the fool.) Why spend that much money on a guy who is leaving to work else where and telling his friends that "they can have her," is beyond comprehension. That and spending that kind of money when you are unemployed?! No wonder the Irish are still running around (as N. would say) like "Chicken Licken thinking that the sky is falling".

Cork's Christmas "Markets"


Where there appears to be more floor than stalls.

Count Dracula von Chip
(Above: My Northern Irish colleague who (I swear on my mother's grave) wasn't drunk. In fact, he and I were one of the only two who weren't really drinking that night.)

It is expected at your work Christmas do that you drink until you're blotto and end up singing what suspiciously sounds like nursing home songs back in Australia. Yes, that damn "It's a long way from Tipperary" is one of them!!!!!

Useful video evidence to be potentially used as blackmail.


Christmas decorations are usually simple such as a wreath at the front door and a candle by the window. (Apparently the latter is some Catholic tradition.)

How to do Christmas (in an EXACT) manner in Zurich:


My first initial impression of Switzerland back in 2007 was that people seemed to be happy and fairly friendly, given that whenever I looked lost, somebody would always come up to me to ask if I needed directions etc. I even had one old man walk me in the opposite direction of where he was going. That and the bus drivers all seemed to be smiles and would often tell me, "Enjoy your holiday!" when I got off the bus.

I now understand that the above helpfulness isn't "friendliness", but what the Swiss Germans would consider their "civic duty". (Their sense of civic duty is strong and also extends to picking up rubbish from the ground that they have not dropped themselves). Things have to be done to the letter, which would drive me insane if I had to live there, although this is not an option given that the Swiss notoriously dislike foreigners.

The rules and regulations of Christmas v.2009/12/25 are as follows:

1) Christmas decorations must be plain and simple, and consist of small gold lights and holly-like leafy wreaths. Any neon is punishable by death or deportation.

(Above on the main shopping drag in Zurich - can you even tell that it's Christmas....?)

2) No noise is allowed in the apartment between the hours of 22:00 and 06:00. This includes all talking, walking around in the apartment, television and flushing of toilets. Showering after 22:00 is strictly forbidden. Any violation of this means the neighbour downstairs will come and knock on your door and threaten to call the police. (God help the poor soul who has the vomiting bug in the middle of the night.)

2a) How to violate point number 2. It is as simple as:
1) Invite your friends to visit for Christmas. (Make noise by having conversation while sitting on the couch.)

2) Wake up Christmas Day to open presents. (Make a lot of noise in the process with the unwrapping of presents.)

3) Prepare a big Christmas lunch consisting of roast turkey, ham and roast vegetables.


4) Set the table. (Noise again from cutlery clinking etc.)

5) Sit down, eat, and be....merry.

6) Take the merriment to the next level with alcohol. (Definitely not approved by the Swiss German tourism board.)


7) At 22:05, expect a knock on the door from the neighbour downstairs.......

Extrapolating Rigidity in Practical Terms:
Examples of rules, regulations (and symmetry) influencing daily life.


1) Apartment buildings have this rule where if you have shutters to your windows, you must either have them all up or all down. You CANNOT have one up and one down, as this is considered unsightly (and asymmetrical) in appearance. This is non-negotiable and uneven shutters will result in a fine and possibly jail time as per the discretion of the Shutter Police. (Just kidding, I obviously made the last part up or did I....?)

2) You cannot buy chocolate chips in Switzerland. You can only buy "chocolate cubes".

I can only imagine that the asymmetry of the typical chocolate chip probably "did the heads in" of the Swiss Germans, hence the alternative (and very symmetrical) "chocolate cube". In fairness (probably to a very minute degree,) the chocolate cube might cook a little more evenly.


The hole was obviously made by a Swiss German mouse with a protractor.

4) For some reason, (totally off topic,) fast food chain advertising involves models looking overtly "sexy" in a tranny sort of way.

Below: The hands that crack lobsters in one swoop.