English Oddities & Other Cultural Observations II

“TAPS”

You get two separate taps in most bathroom and kitchen sinks which means you either get:

1) extremely cold water or

2) extremely hot water.

The logic behind the two separate taps is that you’re supposed to fill up the sink (or use a basin), but who really wants to do that if it’s in a public toilet or just for the fact that sinks usually aren’t all that clean? Most Londoners have instead perfected the technique of turning on both taps and flicking their hands side to side from the freezing and scalding water.

HOW TO DESCRIBE SOMEBODY WHO IS VERY SICK IN ENGLAND

You use a somewhat grammatically incorrect sounding term such as “poorly”, as in, “He’s quite poorly”. Strange….. Never say you’re “sick” unless you’re talking about throwing up – but I’m sure most people realise that….

AUSTRALIANS ARE GOOD AT TALKING BULLSHIT WHEN THEY REALLY DON’T KNOW ANYTHING.

When English people don’t know something, they make up something really lame - just to get rid of you.

LENGTH OF TIME IT TAKES BEFORE YOU START SPEAKING LIKE SOMEONE OUT OF ENID BLYTON (IE: BRITISH-SPEAK):

Three months. (To the people who tell me that they have always used the words “brilliant” and “bullocks”, all I have to say to them is “bullshit”.)

“COMPUTER SAYS NO”

The phrase that describes the typical English worker. They won't proceed with their work if you forget to tick a box or add some minute detail in a form/referral - even if your mistake is something extremely obvious. Instead, you usually have to re-tick the box and re-send it to them AGAIN as they won't tick it for your even over the phone. (Either that or they send the form back with great pleasure….) People do not do anything that is outside their job description even if it means something bad may happen. (A lady at one hospital nearly had a miscarriage as the lab technicians who noticed that her blood works were not normal did not bother to inform the doctors as it “wasn’t their job”.)

“MUMMY WHAT IS DADDY DOING TO THAT LADY….?”

English men think this is the art of seduction. All I see is Beckham groping. (Plus Beckham is married with kids – this is just so wrong….)

“WHERE IS THAT ACCENT FROM?”

Went to a special school on a work related visit where I meet a teacher who had the strangest English accent. Initially I thought she was making fun of one of her students (as she was talking in that “retarded” sort of voice people sometimes use when making fun of people with intellectual disabilities). I thought it was extremely rude and inappropriate, and was wondering why nobody was saying anything about it – and then I realised later that that was her normal voice as I met somebody else with that same kind of accent/intonation. Oops.

THERE’S AN ENGLISH TERM…..

…..for describing when things ago awry, and I can’t quite work out what it is. My manager used it a couple of months ago at a staff meeting. What I heard was, “If his wheelchair gets fucked, we’d just have to try an alternative,” – although I know that’s not what she said because:

1) The English are very formal and would not dream of swearing on the job. (Well, in the health industry at least – aside from me – under my breath.)

2) Nobody in the room flinched when she said that. (Given that people flinched when I blurted out that some client was likely to be a hypochondriac – a thought everybody else had but was too afraid to say it, well you get the idea)…….

All I know is the word most likely rhymes with “fuck”….. (Any suggestions….?)

IF YOU ARE FROM WALES....

People will think that you sound Pakistani.