How to Cook An English Vegetable

Celeriac (n.) s -lîr - k

A variety of celery, Apium graveolens rapaceum, of the parsley family, having a large, edible, turniplike root.

1) You purchase a strange looking vegetable (with leafy stalks that look like miniature celery with a strange looking white root/ball at the end) off a cart from the psychiatric hospital’s vegetable garden. “It’s good for stir-fry,” says the man. “It tastes like celery.”
2) You ask the man (and then your colleague) the name of the strange looking vegetable, only to (naturally) forget it by the time you reach home. (“Never mind,” you think. “The landlady should know what it is.”)
3) You show your strange looking vegetable to your landlady who looks completely befuddled. “I don’t know what it is,” she says. “I’ve never seen anything like it.” Your landlady tells you that she’s going to see her neighbour. “She use to be a cook so she should like what it is,” she says.
4) You wash the sand off the vegetable and puzzle over which part you actually eat. “Well, if it’s supposed to be like celery, maybe it’s the leafy green part that you eat,” you think. You throw away the bottom bally bit.
5) You stir fry the celery looking bit and (cautiously) try and piece. Bleech!!! It tastes awful – like putrefied brussels sprouts with a slight celery after taste. Perhaps you weren’t meant to eat the leafy bit. You try the stalk bit. Bleech!!!! It’s no better. You messaged your colleague to find out whether you’re actually eating the correct part.
6) Your landlady comes back. “My neighbour had no idea what it is or how to cook it,” she says.
7) You give up and start cooking some other more normal vegetables.
8) You check your phone after dinner. Your colleague has replied and tells you that you’re supposed to eat the root bit. “Peel it and boil it like a potato,” the message reads.
9) You go to your bin (which is thankfully cleaned with a newly lined bin bag) to (sheepishly) rescue the discarded root.
10) You try to peel the root and can’t quite figure out how much of the “skin” you actually have to peel off.
11) You give up, put the “vegetable” back into your fridge and open a can of baked beans instead.

Post Script: You finally peel, chop and boil up the “celeriac” the following week. (Bloody hard work – it was like trying to chop up a brick.) It has a similar texture to “winter melon”, bland with a slight “celery” taste.

Verdict: Not worth the effort after all that chopping and peeling!